Marcello Hernández opened the 2026 ESPYs by telling Jake Paul to fight his dad instead

Marcello Hernández had one job Wednesday night: open the 2026 ESPYs, keep a room full of the most competitive humans alive laughing, and not get punched. He went two for three, and honestly the third one is still up in the air.

The "Saturday Night Live" star hosted this year's show at the David H. Koch Theater at Lincoln Center, and he spent a near-ten-minute monologue picking targets the whole internet had been waiting for. First up, sitting right there in the crowd, was Jake Paul.

He came for Jake Paul in the first minute

"I must say, it's an honor to be here among so many great athletes, and Jake Paul," Hernández said, per USA TODAY's transcript. Paul, to his credit, laughed and clapped for the camera.

Then Hernández kept going, straight at Paul's habit of booking much older opponents.

"Jake, that's just a joke. Don't fight me," he said. "My dad and my stepdad are both here. They're over 50, and I know that's how you like them. So, fight them instead."

The camera cut to his actual father and stepfather in the audience. Paul was still laughing, which is the correct response when the alternative is fighting a comedian's dad on pay-per-view.

The Tiger Woods line he almost apologized for

The one everyone clipped started as a setup about a video game cover.

"I want to congratulate Caleb Williams, the quarterback for the Chicago Bears, who will be on the cover of the new Madden video game. Congratulations to Caleb," Hernández said, before landing it: "And Tiger Woods will be on the cover of Grand Theft Auto."

That is a reference to Woods' March 27 rollover crash, after which the 50-year-old golfer was charged with DUI and property damage. The room went up. Hernández, for a beat, looked like he wanted the joke back.

"I love you Tiger. I'm a big fan, man," he said. "It's just it was written so well."

The Belichick math nobody asked him to do

While talking up the New York Knicks finally ending their 53-year title drought behind Jalen Brunson, Hernández worked in a shot at Bill Belichick and his relationship with the much-younger Jordon Hudson.

"In 1973 hockey players didn't wear helmets, basketball had no three-point line and in 1973 Bill Belichick was the age his girlfriend is now," he riffed, according to Bleacher Report.

You can check the arithmetic yourself. That is sort of the point.

And a wave to last year's host

Hernández also found a second to needle Shane Gillis, who hosted the 2025 ESPYs and was reportedly watching this one from home. Gillis, he said, was enjoying the night "like a true American, on his couch, drinking a beer while a Hispanic guy does his job."

Fan accounts and sports outlets spent the rest of the night quoting the bits back, and the general read was that the whole thing landed. Nobody threw hands. Somewhere, two men over 50 went home undefeated.